a burden or a blessing?

is life a burden or a blessing?

There are actually not a lot people that AREN’T born into misery. Starvation and famine in africa, war in the middle-east, corruption in russia and so on. And what about the rest? The “happy” people living in developed countries. Countries with societies guiding us and telling us how to live, with all kinds of laws and rules and standards.

The worst case scenario is when you’re born into a society as mentioned above. Every day you are forced to deceive yourself. You have to fight your nature.

Don’t be gay.
Don’t cheat.
Shame on you if you find yourself lusting for a woman that’s taken. What the hell is wrong with you?

You can’t fight who you are. But the society will make you fight it. You know it feels wrong when you see an attractive person and find yourself fantasizing about him or her, even though you’re already in a relationship. Your mind will fantasize anyway, and you will feel guilty.

You cannot escape who you are, but you will carry the mask and let everyone believe your lie.

Why didnt anyone tell me that life is just going to be an endless pain of denying who I am?

I keep wanting things that goes against the laws of our society, or the laws of religion, or even both for that matter. I never asked to keep yearning for these things. I sicken myself for wanting them. But still, I can’t help myself.

When I look in the mirror I want to vomit. I sometimes wish I wasn’t born.

Is life a burden or a blessing?

balance

Hi!

Ever heard anyonye say; “oh he’s such a nice guy!”

Let’s break that sentence down and ponder about the meaning of it. By nice they mean someone they can take advantage of, someone they can walk all over. It’s really horrible that you’re expected to be nice because do you wanna know who benefits from you being nice?

Answer: Everyone else but you. Sure, you feel good about yourself, but people are going to use it against you.

The greedy, whining, demanding bastards are the ones that get things done. They aren’t nice, actually many of them treat everyone else like crap, but they get all the good stuff. The nice guys grants them the right of being assholes out of fear of being one of the slimy guys.

All too often I hear people saying stuff like – “I dont get why she’s going out with him…he’s such a prick. He treats her like crap.”

Newsflash baby! People accept being treated like crap. They blame the evildoers behaviour on themselves. As soon as they are treated in a nice manner, they flee in panic, not knowing what to do with the awkward sensation they’re filled with. I don’t know if people see the kindness as a form of weakness, but it scares too many away.

I’m one of the guys you’d call nice. I know a lot of people that just take what they consider belongs to them, and it really works. I can not say if they are really well, I mean if they enjoy life more, but if you judge success in life by the things you get done, I’d recommend starting being a prick asap.

That’s all folks, cheerio!

pause

sketching, drawing, planning, scheming is so easy.

…it never turns out exactly as planned though =(

Right now I’m kinda bummed out with life itself. It all seem so unfair. I can’t continue to the next level without hurting someone. Behind door number 1 is a innocent heart crushed…

…behind door number 2 is my demise, my failure.
I hate to let myself down. Now I’m forced to…one way or another.

I always pictured a happy ending. Now that I’ve seen how it’s supposed to be, I can only end every day in an “okay” -way, never happily though.

some just got it in them

hi world…

I don’t know where to start. Right now I’m filled with a strange feeling, like somethings chasing me. Can’t really shake it. I should be asleep, but I don’t feel like sleeping. Too much reality lately got me thinking that I should maybe stop to think for a while.

I sometimes feel alone. I have friends. I have a girlfriend. My friends are the best you could imagine and my girlfriend is great. Yet I feel alone. I’m starting to realize that I might be created this way, that I’ll never be able to run from this sensation of being on the outside, wanting more, wanting closer…to something, to be part of something more fulfilling. And I’m quite sure I’m hopeless…if I’d ever find everything I was looking for I’d feel alone again the next week. I dislike this feature in my brain.

The weekend didn’t quite turn out as I had expected. Someone I knew decided this world was not enough, that he didn’t belong. He never got to be 25…

I talked to his cousin and his aunt. They were sad of course, but didn’t understand how anyone could take their own life.

I can.

I’m not suicidal. I do not have a deathwish. But I have been down a few dark roads myself.

It’s hard for someone that feels well to understand someone commiting suicide. At the same time, it’s just as hard for a depressed person to imagine a life without pain. A life where ordinary everyday stuff makes sense and cheers you up. When everything seems pointless, and the things that used to make you happy leaves you completely numb, it’s hard to imagine change. This boy had been walking further this dark road for many years. In his mind, change was not possible. Everyone else “knew” that things would get better. No one can tell. And we’ll never know-

I know it was not an impulse, but I’m sad to not seeing him around anymore. I was sad to see him unwell.

I feel alone sometimes. But I know he was lonelier.

If he’d be able to say what I’m thinking right know, I hope he would smile. That’d be comforting.

Take care of the ones you care about, tell em you like them.

I know he would have wanted the abillity to fly, so I’ll choose to portray him as a dove.

love

it does not exist.

…that’s a shitty truth to know when you’re a hopeless romantic. Or if it does exist, it lasts no longer than the video I’m posting when compared to the length of a marriage.

still…much like the Kiwi bird I refuse to not keep dreaming! <3

no one changes

I get the feeling that I’m supposed to do something, that I serve a purpose. I got a lot of friends, and even more acquaintances, and I can tell who they really are by talking to them…but when I look in the mirror I can not see anything else than a big peculiar question mark.

Man in the mirror, I demand answers! Who are you? Who’s hiding behind those blue eyes? Are you too scared to be born or are you in need of a hand?

Life would be so easy if I could figure stuff out.

Magic

How do we define magic? Objects disappearing? Rabbits in a hat?

I guess magic is anything that seems beyond reason, something unexplained if you will. I’ve always wanted to be a wizard, or a magician. To be able to fly, to be able to astonish.

But would it really be that amazing? Would it satisfy me in the long haul? Lately I’ve come to the conclusion that it wouldn’t be everything I’m hoping for. The part of the trick that seems magic is the beautiful part…the part that remains hidden. Once revealed, the beauty fades and becomes normal. If you knew the secret to flying you would no longer cheer at every lift off.

Not too long ago, sending messages to the other side of the world in an instant was considered magic. That’s what I’m doing right now, but it doesn’t feel all that special. Controlling or mastering something is what we strive for, but once we accomplish our task we realize that the smile resided on our face during the journey and its downfall started, inch by inch, as we touched the finish line. The more you know about the world, the less magic it seems. I sometimes feel sorry for people like Einstein, or Nikola Tesla. They were probably really lonely.
Then again, there’s something I know will remain a secret to me no matter how smart I get, and that’s you. Nothing will ever be quite as magic as another person…I love magic.

*ABRACADABRA*

necessities of life

Hi!

I got into a fight with my girlfriend the other day. Actually it was more an argument than it was a fight. One thing was for sure though, it was a stupid argument.

It all started with one of those questions a girl can ask you, to which there is no right answer. The question I got was about this beautiful, slim, cute model that walked down the runway in one of the TV-shows we were watching…”Do you think she is hot?

Obviously, being a straight guy, I am bound to be attracted to women. The woman in question is probably considered “hot” by 95 % of the straight male population. I’m sure 100 % of all women can tell that the model was very good looking. The model herself has probably been handpicked by someone who knows about true beauty and she probably makes a lot of money just by being beautiful. Every single thing is pointing towards a YES! to my girlfriends question…Yes. was the wrong answer.

Had I said no, what consequenses would that have had. Would she just have accepted my answer or would there have been a follow-up question?..or maybe 100 follow-up questions? Sooner or later she would have cornered me with one of her questions and yelled at me for not being honest with her in the first place.

I don’t lie to my girlfriend…sometimes I get the feeling that I should start lying though. She tells me I can make her self-esteem hit rock bottom. But I don’t get why she have to compare herself to the most beautiful people in the world? Or ask questions she don’t want to know an answer to. I have never told her I find someone else more attractive than her. I have told her, that I wouldn’t want anyone else as my girlfriend. But in her head, she has painted me to be this guy who only cares about looks, even though not a single answer of mine to any of her questions has pointed her that way.

If I during the World Cup final would have asked her if she thinks the players are good at soccer, and she would have said yes, I wouldn’t blame her. I occasionally play soccer myself and know that it takes a lot of effort to be good. The best in the world spend their entire life trying to be the best. They train hard… The model eats healthy food, trains, takes care of her body.

But I’m not allowed to give her recognition.

BS!

define: me

Hi there!

I was wondering…who am I? Who are you?

A person constantly acting like someone else…who is he really? If he’s been living up to expectations and standards his whole life, has he become the guy he’s trying to be or is he just hiding behind that guy? A drug addict is not a drug addict before he tries drugs. Life’s funny. =)

I’m doing great by the way. I’m in a relationship. Picking up a long lost hobby next thursday. Working.

I’m kinda in to soccer and the World Cup is being played in South Africa as we speak, that’s cool. Entertainment everyday.

I’m still missing something though, I can’t really put my finger on it, but every now and then I get anxious. I think it’s because I never stopped to think if this is what I really wanted. Do we have such an answer within ourselves? Or does destiny just keep throwing us examples until something peculiar comes along? I can’t really say.

Just wanted to let you know how I was doing…

talk to you soon!

the sand keeps on runnin’

i wish there was more time…i used to love writing this blog, but i just can’t seem to find the time anymore.
i’m working a lot, you know, out there…living. I want to keep this blog up and running though, let me see what I can do. You’ll hear from me soon.
Kisses.