an old feeling

I remember when I was too young,
now I am too old.
It used to be naive romantic delusions about perfectly ordinary everyday stuff.
Now it is cynical old pessimistic prejudice that rule my daily rounds.

What happened to the days that were supposed to be in between?
I guess those days only exist in the movies. I can’t remember ever having such an “in between day”.

But I can quite vividly remember the days when I was too young. The days when I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I remember planning our wedding after our first date. And the day when she came over to my place, it must have been our fourth or fifth date, and it totally blew me away that we kissed. We were in my room, I was so nervous, I shivered, I could have started an earthquake. She sat down on my bed, smiling. I tried to avoid eye contact because I felt stupid and I didn’t know where to put my hands. I sat down on the couch. When I looked up she was still smiling…she told me to sit down next to her in a way that made me realize that it was stupid or weird that I had chosen to sit on the couch. So, I moved closer to her, sat down next to her. I said something that wasn’t of the slightest importance and she moved her hand up to my cheek, turned my face towards hers, and that moment before our lips met is one of the most important moments of my life. I’ve many times tried to put that feeling into words, but I’ve failed just as many times. It really sucks to even begin to tell someone about it, because no one couldn’t possibly understand my emotions…

nothing important happened today

…those exact words can be found as an entry in a diary. On July 4th, 1776 King George III wrote that nothing important happened today, so I guess what really happened is up to you to decide should it be considered important or not. In this case though, that entry would probably not have been the same had he had knowledge about certain things.

By just giving my life’s surface a scratch, I guess you could say nothing important happened today, but if you dig a little deeper you’ll find out that several things could be mentioned as important. A near relative passed away at noon today. But I don’t feel sad, I guess I was prepared for it, that it’d soon be her time to go. And I know that she is in a better place right now, because she was one of the sweetest persons to ever walk this earth.

I lost another day, I am a little bit older, I am closer to failure, I am closer to success it all depends on what I want. In the end, because of the mood I am in, it all comes down to one thing; I am here, and that is interesting enough. I am here, able to make a difference. Will a take the shot? Well that answer I’ll let mr. Tomorrow give you.

Cheerio! Sleep tight!

dammit

every night a day stares death in the eye, every morning the night is gone. Then it all starts over, but nothing is the same, and it never will be either.
You wake up, suddenly you have obligations. You need to do this and you need to do that. All your friends have disappeared and been replaced by sophisticated individuals with a lot of stupid rules. Just hanging out doing nothing is not an option anymore. It all feels like the biggest conspiracy. You start to wonder if they all made a secret agreement not to inform you that it was time to grow up. You realize you don’t even want to grow up. Everyone is suddenly so distant and no one speaks your language anymore. Last but not least, you get pissed because this was not the way you thought your 40th birthday would be like.

…no, I’m not turning 40 today, not even 25. As a matter of fact, it’s not even my birthday. I just wanted to let out some feelings. Screw you stupid modern day society that has kidnapped so many good friends of mine, and screw you mr. Sandman for not showing up tonight.

revival

been a while since my last post…I havent died, I’m just…I don’t know, emotionally dead right now.

a lot of stuff has happened. a lot of it touched me. I can’t get this boy that opened fire in a school in europe out of my mind. Why was his youtube video in english, when the words he uttered clearly were among the only ones he knew in english? Why did he choose his school as target when his aim was to kill as many people as possible? He was a kind of average smart kid, he probably could’ve realized that he could’ve killed a lot more people in, say, a supermarket for example. He claims he hates the people, he chooses a location that isn’t very crowded. He shoots only people that are close to him. Mostly girls. I’m puzzled.

I’m tired. I’m fed up. I’m kinda depressed. Everything seems so pointless right now. I’m not angry. And not sad either. It feels very weird. I feel so empty. I’ve begun to hear the silence that creeps in every evening. It’s so loud. I haven’t felt emotions for quite a while. Haven’t really realized it either, I’m merely finding out it know, writing. Scary.