hi world…
I don’t know where to start. Right now I’m filled with a strange feeling, like somethings chasing me. Can’t really shake it. I should be asleep, but I don’t feel like sleeping. Too much reality lately got me thinking that I should maybe stop to think for a while.
I sometimes feel alone. I have friends. I have a girlfriend. My friends are the best you could imagine and my girlfriend is great. Yet I feel alone. I’m starting to realize that I might be created this way, that I’ll never be able to run from this sensation of being on the outside, wanting more, wanting closer…to something, to be part of something more fulfilling. And I’m quite sure I’m hopeless…if I’d ever find everything I was looking for I’d feel alone again the next week. I dislike this feature in my brain.
The weekend didn’t quite turn out as I had expected. Someone I knew decided this world was not enough, that he didn’t belong. He never got to be 25…
I talked to his cousin and his aunt. They were sad of course, but didn’t understand how anyone could take their own life.
I can.
I’m not suicidal. I do not have a deathwish. But I have been down a few dark roads myself.
It’s hard for someone that feels well to understand someone commiting suicide. At the same time, it’s just as hard for a depressed person to imagine a life without pain. A life where ordinary everyday stuff makes sense and cheers you up. When everything seems pointless, and the things that used to make you happy leaves you completely numb, it’s hard to imagine change. This boy had been walking further this dark road for many years. In his mind, change was not possible. Everyone else “knew” that things would get better. No one can tell. And we’ll never know-
I know it was not an impulse, but I’m sad to not seeing him around anymore. I was sad to see him unwell.
I feel alone sometimes. But I know he was lonelier.
If he’d be able to say what I’m thinking right know, I hope he would smile. That’d be comforting.
Take care of the ones you care about, tell em you like them.
I know he would have wanted the abillity to fly, so I’ll choose to portray him as a dove.
