So many questions. They pile up like water fills up the sink when turned on fully and the tap breaks. I could run a new world record and still not escape my emotions. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to do nothing. I want to beat the crap out of somebody.
Why can’t I tell her?
Why can’t she get it?
Why why, oh fucking why and what if’s come to torture me in a way that makes Guantanamo a five star hotel. I’d like to just sit quiet. And never tell anyone, and never write it down. I’d like to say in a couple of years or so that I was perfectly well and that I coped with the situation calmly and didn’t need any help.
You see, I have this lady friend that I am too scared to fall for. She’s just imaginary. I see her in every woman I meet. She couldn’t be anymore real. Something is seriously wrong with me. Commitment issues seem so cute in movies, but they exhaust you in real life to the point where you start to think terrible things.
I’ve managed to fool myself with some help from modern society. I always thought she eventually would come with all her glory and beauty to my rescue when I needed it as most. She never came. The silence she left was astonishingly heartbreaking. The comprehending part of what life is really like nearly soaked my cheeks with tears.
There is absolutely nothing I can do about my situation / condition. That’s the part that hurts the most. You see, I was brought up to think that I could sort everything out with some sweat and hard work. The pride has always filled me with a fairytale-like well-being. But suddenly I am forced to redefine the most fundamental truths of my life. There is absolutely nothing I can do. I can only sit and watch as this hatred fills up the void left by the truths killed. Is there anything more to love or is it just a lunar impact crater on the far side of the Moon.
Is everything my own fault? This post could be five pages longer if I wouldn’t master some of my emotions and write random curse words for the next couple of hours. I hope you had a fucking marvelous weekend. Mine wasn’t. And yeah, PS: If you find any kind of indications on self-pity in this post, please get in touch with me.
