Gambling, winning, losing, living.

To bet on a team, on a sportsman, on a score…you do it because the outcome is unpredictable. When you watch the game, the fight, the tournament, you’re excited when things go your way. Unpredictable. You win. You’re a happy, for a moment. You play again, you lose. You play again, it’s a draw.

It’s not always about winning. It’s about participating. About leaving it up to fate. It’s about seeing things turn in your favor even though you were down 12-0 a minute ago. It is why we live.

I thought about death recently. I had witnessed a disease drain the life out of a person. I was mad. I felt frustrated. I wanted to be able to fix her. I wanted to fix everyone that needed help. I wanted everything to run perfect. I wanted the human body to function like a computer. To troubleshoot whenever a problem occurred, and then move on.
…careful what you wish for.
Predictability is not a reason to cheer.

It is heart aching, but death, is what painted life beautiful. Loneliness is the scented candle you smell when in love.

Obviously I can write it, but I will never ever fully understand.

Love,
4oclocksandwich.

I’ll always miss you

I miss being young…I mean really young.
That age when it was okay to spill a glass of milk on the dinner table. The age when I didn’t have the slightest clue of when a girl was into me, even though everything was way more obvious then. The age when highscores in various videogames were more important than girls.

Being responsible relly sucks. I feel cheated. Everything is so serious. People close to me are dying. Everything is no longer possible.

It would be easier to just leave everything behind. I think you’re supposed to do that. Just say Sayonara, Arrivaderci or Au revoir. It’s time to find a new home, and become the person you really are. It’s so hard to disappoint everyone close to you, and you’re very likely to do just that by becoming the one you are.

Right now I’m a mixture of what people expect me to be. Yeah, sure, I don’t disappoint many people but I should really buy myself some balls / cojonas and become the one I really want to be, because this is going to kill me in the end.

I can’t think of a single species that keep in touch with the ones they knew in their youth when I think of wildlife and nature. They just wake up one day and realize that home isn’t home anymore, it’s elsewhere.

I probably sound really miserable, but I’m not quite that puppet with a smiling face operated by the ones with expectations on me. I’m merely talking to myself and scaring myself by shouting out words that I’ve been too afraid to speak…all this because of that bloody Mr.Sandman that fail to show up at my apartment. If you see him, please attach some strings to him and give them to me. Let’s see how he likes me as his puppeteer.

There it is ladies and gentlemen, I managed to get the word puppeteer into my blog. It should be safe to drill through the earth now, because I think hell already froze over.

Good night! Sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs fight, leave that to the people in Gaza.

leaving

recycle

a sentence so simple,
a sentence so hard,
sentenced my thoughts,
to spring wildly apart.

our eyebrows are raised,
when stumbling upon,
life so cute,
embodied by a furry little paw.

Yet do we miss,
to realize the truth,
that our stay here,
is as short as it is cute.

it is morbidly cruel,
but when we were born,
there started a countdown,
to the flies next respawn.

non-stop typing

So many questions. They pile up like water fills up the sink when turned on fully and the tap breaks. I could run a new world record and still not escape my emotions. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to do nothing. I want to beat the crap out of somebody.

Why can’t I tell her?

Why can’t she get it?

Why why, oh fucking why and what if’s come to torture me in a way that makes Guantanamo a five star hotel. I’d like to just sit quiet. And never tell anyone, and never write it down. I’d like to say in a couple of years or so that I was perfectly well and that I coped with the situation calmly and didn’t need any help.

You see, I have this lady friend that I am too scared to fall for. She’s just imaginary. I see her in every woman I meet. She couldn’t be anymore real. Something is seriously wrong with me. Commitment issues seem so cute in movies, but they exhaust you in real life to the point where you start to think terrible things.

I’ve managed to fool myself with some help from modern society. I always thought she eventually would come with all her glory and beauty to my rescue when I needed it as most. She never came. The silence she left was astonishingly heartbreaking. The comprehending part of what life is really like nearly soaked my cheeks with tears.

There is absolutely nothing I can do about my situation / condition. That’s the part that hurts the most. You see, I was brought up to think that I could sort everything out with some sweat and hard work. The pride has always filled me with a fairytale-like well-being. But suddenly I am forced to redefine the most fundamental truths of my life. There is absolutely nothing I can do. I can only sit and watch as this hatred fills up the void left by the truths killed. Is there anything more to love or is it just a lunar impact crater on the far side of the Moon.

Is everything my own fault? This post could be five pages longer if I wouldn’t master some of my emotions and write random curse words for the next couple of hours. I hope you had a fucking marvelous weekend. Mine wasn’t. And yeah, PS: If you find any kind of indications on self-pity in this post, please get in touch with me.