Gambling, winning, losing, living.

To bet on a team, on a sportsman, on a score…you do it because the outcome is unpredictable. When you watch the game, the fight, the tournament, you’re excited when things go your way. Unpredictable. You win. You’re a happy, for a moment. You play again, you lose. You play again, it’s a draw.

It’s not always about winning. It’s about participating. About leaving it up to fate. It’s about seeing things turn in your favor even though you were down 12-0 a minute ago. It is why we live.

I thought about death recently. I had witnessed a disease drain the life out of a person. I was mad. I felt frustrated. I wanted to be able to fix her. I wanted to fix everyone that needed help. I wanted everything to run perfect. I wanted the human body to function like a computer. To troubleshoot whenever a problem occurred, and then move on.
…careful what you wish for.
Predictability is not a reason to cheer.

It is heart aching, but death, is what painted life beautiful. Loneliness is the scented candle you smell when in love.

Obviously I can write it, but I will never ever fully understand.

Love,
4oclocksandwich.

an old feeling

I remember when I was too young,
now I am too old.
It used to be naive romantic delusions about perfectly ordinary everyday stuff.
Now it is cynical old pessimistic prejudice that rule my daily rounds.

What happened to the days that were supposed to be in between?
I guess those days only exist in the movies. I can’t remember ever having such an “in between day”.

But I can quite vividly remember the days when I was too young. The days when I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I remember planning our wedding after our first date. And the day when she came over to my place, it must have been our fourth or fifth date, and it totally blew me away that we kissed. We were in my room, I was so nervous, I shivered, I could have started an earthquake. She sat down on my bed, smiling. I tried to avoid eye contact because I felt stupid and I didn’t know where to put my hands. I sat down on the couch. When I looked up she was still smiling…she told me to sit down next to her in a way that made me realize that it was stupid or weird that I had chosen to sit on the couch. So, I moved closer to her, sat down next to her. I said something that wasn’t of the slightest importance and she moved her hand up to my cheek, turned my face towards hers, and that moment before our lips met is one of the most important moments of my life. I’ve many times tried to put that feeling into words, but I’ve failed just as many times. It really sucks to even begin to tell someone about it, because no one couldn’t possibly understand my emotions…

non-stop typing

So many questions. They pile up like water fills up the sink when turned on fully and the tap breaks. I could run a new world record and still not escape my emotions. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to do nothing. I want to beat the crap out of somebody.

Why can’t I tell her?

Why can’t she get it?

Why why, oh fucking why and what if’s come to torture me in a way that makes Guantanamo a five star hotel. I’d like to just sit quiet. And never tell anyone, and never write it down. I’d like to say in a couple of years or so that I was perfectly well and that I coped with the situation calmly and didn’t need any help.

You see, I have this lady friend that I am too scared to fall for. She’s just imaginary. I see her in every woman I meet. She couldn’t be anymore real. Something is seriously wrong with me. Commitment issues seem so cute in movies, but they exhaust you in real life to the point where you start to think terrible things.

I’ve managed to fool myself with some help from modern society. I always thought she eventually would come with all her glory and beauty to my rescue when I needed it as most. She never came. The silence she left was astonishingly heartbreaking. The comprehending part of what life is really like nearly soaked my cheeks with tears.

There is absolutely nothing I can do about my situation / condition. That’s the part that hurts the most. You see, I was brought up to think that I could sort everything out with some sweat and hard work. The pride has always filled me with a fairytale-like well-being. But suddenly I am forced to redefine the most fundamental truths of my life. There is absolutely nothing I can do. I can only sit and watch as this hatred fills up the void left by the truths killed. Is there anything more to love or is it just a lunar impact crater on the far side of the Moon.

Is everything my own fault? This post could be five pages longer if I wouldn’t master some of my emotions and write random curse words for the next couple of hours. I hope you had a fucking marvelous weekend. Mine wasn’t. And yeah, PS: If you find any kind of indications on self-pity in this post, please get in touch with me.